Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
