I accidentally burped into my bong.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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