So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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