i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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