fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
