We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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