Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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