Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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