Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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