Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
