no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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