she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
