I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
