FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
