Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
