dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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