i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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