so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize