Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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