allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
