I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
