i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
