I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I didn't shave. On purpose
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Randomize
