I got chris browned last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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