So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
