i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
