Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
