If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
