Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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