im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
