Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
