I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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