I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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