A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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