I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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