I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
