my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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