You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
