If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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