you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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