After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
