If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
