Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You are a genius and a whore.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
