My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
