God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
