Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize