half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
