Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
