She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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