I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize