Kiss
Puke
my shit smells like andre
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
