I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
