You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize