Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
