so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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