I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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