I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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