i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
