I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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