Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
