thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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