90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
nutella sex= disaster
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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