now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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