someone threw a dead crab at me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am naked and annoyed.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
